I have noticed that there is a very wide range of what expectations people have for what they will get out of "advertizing themselves" on a site such as match.com, ranging from people who expect to find "the one and only" and hope that each contact is "it", to people who expect to receive a stream of contacts from which they can pick the ones they want to have sex with.
For my part, I am not on match.com to look for sex partners. Although I am male, and therefore supposed to be "thinking with the other head", I am also old enough to have picked up some of the traditionally female wisdom that unless you have a relationship and an attraction on a wider basis, there is no point in engaging in ways that are likely to give you hurt as well as hopefully some satisfaction. I experience the world and the people in it through my intellect, and I need to be around people with intelligence and wit and some perspective that is different enough from mine that I learn from the interactions. Among the people I meet who meet those intial qualifications, some will become friends. And maybe, if I am very lucky, one of those friends will be a "soul mate".
I hope to remain open with each person I meet, that this MAY be "the one", although that is not very likely, but it will take a long time of learning to find out whether that is in fact the case, and I hope that even if that level of compatibility turns out not to be mutual, a friendship may still be beneficial to both.
Hey, that sounds like a good thing to add to my Match profile!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
"You should not be dating"
I showed my blog to a woman I know, and she said "You should not be on a dating site; it is way too soon, and you are too wounded still". As with some other things in life, I have trouble figuring out what she means. I think the miscommunication is about language. When I say "dating", what image comes to your mind ?
I certainly agree that it is unlikely that I will encounter the new love of my life, a soul mate, my new life's companion anytime real soon. For several different but interrelating reasons:
Firstly, it indeed takes some time to get one's bearings after suffering loss and grief. There are stages to be worked through, perspectives to be gained, and a rediscovery of self following the loss. All of which take time.
Secondly, this rediscovery inevitably involves false starts, making mistakes, and going through heartbreak. We talk about a "rebound relatiuonship", the first attempt of a new relationship after the breakup of an old one, which is destined to fail, but if you are very lucky, it may set you up with better understanding of yourself and what you are looking for, so that the *next* relationship has a better chance.
Thirdly, the vast majority of all the persons you meet in your life are not the life-altering soul mate you will marry. Sometimes this is obvious the moment you are introduced, sometimes it looks promising but fails disappointingly after you have invested a lot in the relationship. And sometimes what you find is not romance but wonderful friendship that survives even as you subsequently find romance with someone else.
But having conceded those points, I will also argue that "getting ready to date again" is not about time - beyond a certain minimum period tht allows you to experience the stages of grief, and which in fact began long before the visible point of separation - much of this is about meeting a variety of people and actually experiencing relationships and "trying them on for size". You will not "become ready to date" by isolating yourself and brooding over your unhappiness.
That still leaves the question about whether "a dating site" is an appropriate place to look for interesting people to meet and strike up relationships with. There is no doubt a lot of truth to the suggestions that you first need to look around you wherever you are already. The people you meet wherever you are already situated are likely to "fit in" where you hang out; to be socially and emotionally compatible. Thus the recommendation to explore your church, and to engage actively in your hobbies and talk to people you meet at those gatherings. But what if your favorite things to do are inherently solitary, intellectual activities? I like to read (not so much to talk to strangers about what I read), and to watch documentary movies. I like to keep up with current events and then read to gain a deeper understanding of what is happening. Unlike quilting, knitting, dog agility training and playing golf, these activities are not easily performed in groups, and I do not know of clubs in my area that engage in them. To my rational mind, a database of single people, indexed with where they live, age, and essays describing their interests and their own insights into their character seems like a very good place to search for people to meet.
The problem, as I see it, - and possibly intuited correctly by my friend - is that people may have unrealistic expectations that contacts they make through a "dating site". More about that in my next posting.
I certainly agree that it is unlikely that I will encounter the new love of my life, a soul mate, my new life's companion anytime real soon. For several different but interrelating reasons:
Firstly, it indeed takes some time to get one's bearings after suffering loss and grief. There are stages to be worked through, perspectives to be gained, and a rediscovery of self following the loss. All of which take time.
Secondly, this rediscovery inevitably involves false starts, making mistakes, and going through heartbreak. We talk about a "rebound relatiuonship", the first attempt of a new relationship after the breakup of an old one, which is destined to fail, but if you are very lucky, it may set you up with better understanding of yourself and what you are looking for, so that the *next* relationship has a better chance.
Thirdly, the vast majority of all the persons you meet in your life are not the life-altering soul mate you will marry. Sometimes this is obvious the moment you are introduced, sometimes it looks promising but fails disappointingly after you have invested a lot in the relationship. And sometimes what you find is not romance but wonderful friendship that survives even as you subsequently find romance with someone else.
But having conceded those points, I will also argue that "getting ready to date again" is not about time - beyond a certain minimum period tht allows you to experience the stages of grief, and which in fact began long before the visible point of separation - much of this is about meeting a variety of people and actually experiencing relationships and "trying them on for size". You will not "become ready to date" by isolating yourself and brooding over your unhappiness.
That still leaves the question about whether "a dating site" is an appropriate place to look for interesting people to meet and strike up relationships with. There is no doubt a lot of truth to the suggestions that you first need to look around you wherever you are already. The people you meet wherever you are already situated are likely to "fit in" where you hang out; to be socially and emotionally compatible. Thus the recommendation to explore your church, and to engage actively in your hobbies and talk to people you meet at those gatherings. But what if your favorite things to do are inherently solitary, intellectual activities? I like to read (not so much to talk to strangers about what I read), and to watch documentary movies. I like to keep up with current events and then read to gain a deeper understanding of what is happening. Unlike quilting, knitting, dog agility training and playing golf, these activities are not easily performed in groups, and I do not know of clubs in my area that engage in them. To my rational mind, a database of single people, indexed with where they live, age, and essays describing their interests and their own insights into their character seems like a very good place to search for people to meet.
The problem, as I see it, - and possibly intuited correctly by my friend - is that people may have unrealistic expectations that contacts they make through a "dating site". More about that in my next posting.
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